I Believe

I believe I am no different than anyone else. I believe my struggles are no worse or easy as the next person. I do believe that I have chosen to go through these struggles to build character and gain knowledge I need along my journey.

Is it possible that what I’m going through is not just about me? Is it possible that what I am and have gone through was all part of a plan that allows me to come through the other side and to then share that experience and knowledge with others who are going through the same things as me?

Our journey is very rarely as we think it will be. We like to believe we are in control but we are not. We go where we are guided to go under the false pretense that we make our own decisions. Our decisions are usually based on our past experiences and those past experiences shape our future – unless we decide how we want them to be. At least, that is how it has been for me over the past few years.

My goal has always been to empower women. I can remember watching Iyanla Vanzant on Oprah well over 10 years ago and how she just amazed me with her story and her passion to help women. I knew then and there that was what I put here on earth for. I didn’t know how that would look or how it would turn out. All I knew was that was my purpose.

So as being true to form, if you’re here to empower women then you have to have gone through some stuff to be able to tell people that you have some idea of what pain they are in and how to help them see the light at the end of the tunnel, and not the train powering towards them. And so that journey began for me.

Now I can go back to childhood and growing up. I have lived through, been exposed to and suffered just about every situation and circumstance you could think of. It’s a not competition to see who has the worst life. Ill go into my childhood another time, this is about the defining moments about 4 years ago. In some ways it was the catalyst that lead me to where I am now. And I’d like to share that with you.

My marriage ended the same week that my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. The following week my mother in law was diagnosed with lung cancer.

Being the dutiful daughter, mother and wife, I carried everyone else through their pain. I made sure I was there for everyone but me. I did not have time to grieve or heal. I had to make sure everyone else was ok. And I did that for about 12 months. And then I fell into a heap. Now it wasn’t your dramatic, everyone look at me, I want to be in the spot light kind of heap. It was more the silent, pretending I was ok on the outside but dying inside, and only showing my true feelings when I was alone. I cried all the time. Never when anyone was around. But almost everyday, it would not stop. I was so tired of pretending.

So I started on the steady track of medication to help me feel better. I figured if I was numb there would be no bad feelings. My doctor thought it was a good idea, who was I to argue. Then I added cigarettes, just to add a little lift to it. Having a few alcoholic beverages every night did not hurt either. I was starting to feel good. Or at the very least not feeling bad. And just for good measure I threw in coffee, which I loved and soft drink. Pepsi Max to be precise. So this was my concoction of potions that got me through the day. I was medicated by 3 of them and sustained with the other 2.

This was ok for a couple of years and then when my Nan broke her hip in October 2009, I gave up everything and moved back to look after my Nan. Its what you do when you’re a good grandchild and I never regretted that decision. I spent every day with my Nan for 12 months caring for her. She was back in great health. Everyone seemed happy again, except me. I was lost, sad and alone.

One day my son asked me a question and it hit me like a bolt of lighting. Did my son know who I really was anymore? Almost as fast as that shock, I went and looked at the dresser mirror and I did not know the person I saw. I stopped and then I realised that I didn’t know the person who was looking back at me. I swear it was like a scene out of a bad movie. I stood and looked at a person I did not recognise. That was one of the scariest moments of my life.

I made the decision then and there to give up everything I was on. No more medication, cigarettes, alcohol, coffee or Pepsi. Talk about dramatic decisions and life changes.

The next 10 days were the hardest 10 days of my life. I have never been so sick in my life. It was horrific. The only saving grace was that I was on a course, (yeah great time to detox), and because of that, I had to concentrate as best I could on the course. So each day I struggled through. I had the worst side effects coming off them. Lots of them! I would get itchy. I mean really itchy. My legs and arms would burn the itch was so bad. There was pretty much no relief. I mean I could have taken different medication, but that was defeating the purpose. Sound was amplified in my head so noise and sudden movement was agony. Add to that that my face was green from the rubbish coming out of my body. That was a fun time……NOT.

Now Doctors will tell you not to go cold turkey off anything, especially medications you have been on for long periods. If you believe that then you do that. I had faith. I had total belief. For me personally, I knew there was no reduction over a period of time. It had to be instant and maybe that is a part of my personality. I knew that I was going to get to the other side and I knew deep down I was strong enough. This was right for me. Do what is right for you.

The thing that is really important to remember is that when you change, the majority of your life and the people in it do not change. So when I returned from my course and had been off my ‘stuff’ for 10 days, detoxed and was ‘clean’ nothing had changed at home. The rest of the family still did exactly as they had done before I left and I realised that I could not interact with them the way I used to. It was a huge learning to be able to say, I cant sit with you mum, dad, brother and sister in law because I don’t know if Im strong enough to resist the temptation. So I just didn’t put myself in that situation at all.

Its different now because I am strong enough, but back then, I did not want to jeopardise my hard work and progress. Needless to say those relationships suffered. Perhaps they were as toxic as the medications and other substances I was putting into my body?

Then I realised that for me to walk the path I am meant to, I have to decide how I will be, what I will be and who I will be. Will I be who I used to be or will I embrace who I am meant to be?

So I did, I severed the ties that bound me to relationships and situations that no longer serve me. Yes it was hard, yes it gets lonely sometimes, but yes I am a better person for it.

I am me because of how I choose to be. Let your past suffering and trial be the reason you break free and become more than you are right now. Don’t let them be the things that hold you back. Go proudly and boldly into the future with your head held high.

So I share my story in the hope you find something of value. Something that may help you. I don’t count days from when I last had a smoke. I’m not a former or recovering anything. That was just a time in my life in the past and some things I used to do. Today is just who I am. Me!

My story is my glory and I share it proudly.